I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
