Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
