if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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