I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
