My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
