We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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