A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
