On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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