I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
