If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
