i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I can't turn off my feet"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
