I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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