She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
