I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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