I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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