So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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