Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
