Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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