The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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