Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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