You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
