I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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