Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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