She's JV to your varsity
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
