Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
