just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
