I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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