note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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