I love black thongs
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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