My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
