Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
