I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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