She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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