WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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