Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
