I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
