why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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