We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
