If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
