Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
