this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
