I'm sorry my penis didn't work
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
