Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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