I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
