***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
