I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
