Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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