My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
