I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
