Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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