OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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