It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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