Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize