You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
