Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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