I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
