I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
