I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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